How to Talk About Big Feelings With Kids (Without Making Them Bigger)
- Rachel McKee
- Oct 20
- 3 min read
Updated: Nov 5
Helping Children Build Emotional Awareness and Safety Through Connection
Big feelings are part of being human—but for kids, they can feel enormous! One moment they’re laughing, and the next, they’re melting down because the blue cup is dirty or a friend didn’t wave back at school. These moments can leave parents unsure of what to do or say. Do we comfort? Redirect? Set limits? The truth is, there’s no perfect script—only opportunities to connect, guide, and help children learn that emotions, even the big ones, are safe to feel.
Why Big Feelings Feel So Big
Children are wired to feel things deeply. Excitement, disappointment, anger, sadness—all of it can show up in big ways. These emotions aren’t signs of something wrong; they’re part of learning how to navigate the world. But for parents, those moments can be tough to hold. When our kids are overwhelmed, we often want to help them calm down quickly, fix the problem, or make the feelings go away.
Yet one of the most powerful things we can do is simply stay present. Big feelings become more manageable when children know they’re not alone in them. When a child senses our calm, curious presence, their nervous system begins to settle, and regulation becomes possible again.
The Power of Naming and Noticing
Naming emotions helps children feel seen and understood. When we put feelings into words, we give them shape—and that makes them less overwhelming.
Try using simple, clear language:
“You seem really disappointed that playtime is over.”
“It looks like you’re feeling nervous about going to school today.”
“That made you so mad. It’s hard when things don’t go the way we want.”
These statements show empathy without judgment. They tell your child, “I see you. I get it.” This helps build the foundation for emotional awareness: the ability to recognize and name what’s happening inside.
Avoiding the "Make-It-Bigger" Trap
Sometimes our instinct to help can unintentionally make emotions feel even bigger. We might rush to reassure (“You’re fine!”), problem-solve too soon (“Just go say, 'Sorry'”), or downplay (“It’s not a big deal”). While these reactions come from love, they can make children feel dismissed or misunderstood.
It’s also easy to minimize a child’s experience when we don’t feel it the same way they do. What seems small to an adult (like the wrong color cup or a change in plans) can feel enormous to a child. Their reaction isn’t exaggerated; it’s simply coming from a nervous system still learning how to handle disappointment, frustration, or uncertainty. Meeting that feeling with empathy instead of evaluation helps kids trust that their emotions make sense, even when they’re big.
Instead, focus on validation first, solutions later. A calm, steady “That was hard,” or “I know this feels really big right now,” goes much further than advice in the heat of the moment. Once your child feels heard, their brain becomes more open to problem-solving, and your connection stays intact.
Regulation Begins With Us
Children learn how to regulate emotions through co-regulation—the process of borrowing our calm until they can find their own. This means that our presence often matters more than our words.
When your child is struggling, take a slow breath before you respond. Check in with your own body: Are your shoulders tense? Is your voice tight? Grounding yourself first models exactly what you’re trying to teach.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can say isn’t a strategy—it’s simply:
“I’m here with you. We’ll get through this together.”
When the Storm Passes
After the intensity fades, that’s the time for reflection. You might gently revisit what happened once everyone is calm:
“What do you think your body was trying to tell you?”
“Next time you feel that big feeling coming on, what might help?”
This helps your child start connecting the dots between feelings, behaviors, and choices—key skills for emotional growth. Keep the focus on understanding, not perfection.
Growth, Not Perfection
Helping children navigate emotions is messy work. No parent handles every big feeling perfectly—and that’s okay! Repairing moments of disconnection (“I got frustrated earlier; I’m sorry I raised my voice”) teaches just as much as getting it right the first time.
What matters most isn’t having all the answers—it’s showing up with curiosity and compassion, again and again. Each conversation, each moment of presence, builds safety and trust. And over time, those small moments of connection add up to big emotional growth.
Because kids don't need perfect parents. They need connected ones. If you’d like support building your child’s emotional skills—or your own confidence in navigating those big moments—we’d be honored to walk with you.
